One way to cut the stress is to create a new question before everything blows up.

Is this a challenge, or a problem?

It is easy to get the two definitions flipped.  One sounds better than other.  I have a challenge sounds better than I have a problem.

Challenge means a call to a fight, battle, duel, etc.

Problem means any question or matter involving doubt, uncertainty, or difficulty.  A question proposed for a solution, or discussion.

Yikes.  Under those terms I’ll take problems first and challenges second.

In my experience I find both come in handy.  Yet, most children when they think they have a problem they feel something is bad, or wrong with them.  Might be worth looking up the meaning of the word with them so they can understand the problem part is okay, what they’re really struggling with is the challenge to do better.

Solution – Talk out the problem first with your child, or the school.  Then rise to the challenge as a partner with your child.

P.S.  Those damn dictionaries clear up a lot of things when we take a moment to look up the words.

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How is that possible?  I’m still driving my children to school?

Well the teacher has already made decisions on where they feel your child is, or is not performing in relation to the current class size.  This is the challenge of any feedback from a teacher.  They’re automatically wired to compare your child to other children.  Which has absolutely zero value.

Even though they know comparison doesn’t work.  They forget to pay attention to the individual aspects.  Is your child motivated?  Are they learning?  Are they pushing themselves?  Are they taking initiative, or always following?  These actions are much more important than grades because they let us know how your child will turn their thoughts into actions.

Here’s some hints on how the teacher is most likely viewing you and your child.  Plus, a few tips to correct anything that might feel off track to you intuitively as a parent.  Remember a teacher falls into the trap of categorizing as a result of comparing.  This means their opinion is usually black and white.

According to the teacher your child is doing great!  You have nothing to worry about.  You’re child is an angel.  

If this is the feedback then be slightly worried.  Your child might be bored, unchallenged within the classroom, and smart enough to play the game to keep you off their butts.  Smart children know there’s only one way to fly under the parent microscopic radar that invades their lives.  The magic parent off my butt potion involves a creative combination of good grades and positive feedback from their teachers.  Reaching this level of perfection for a child takes a lot of work and it is exhausting.

What to do?  This is good news that they’re doing well within this current group and their grades are on track so move to  focusing on taking what they’re learning in school out into the real world.  Get them more involved in social groups, volunteering and activities.  Try to find things that have short commitment times like one evening, a few works, or come and go as you please.

According to the teacher your child is in trouble.  You have everything to worry about.  You’re child might be headed towards living with you until they’re about 45.

The first thing you must do is ask the teacher how much of this feedback is from test scores?  This is the only way to get them off of their own internal negative perspective of your child.

Negative test results are never 100% the problem of the child.

Negative test results are an unhealthy combination of the relationship between the child and that specific teacher.  Children a capacity to succeed and grow beyond their current emotional states when they feel supported to carry out this task.  This only happens when there is a healthy connection between the child and the teacher.

Then the next question is how much of this decision is from  you not being able to control my child in your classroom?

In most cases this will be the true root of the feedback.  If the teacher is honest with you and opens up then you have the magic opportunity to change everything for both the teacher and the child.  As a parent you already know the challenges your child brings to the table.  You also have solutions on how you handle these situations in the home.  The teacher needs to hear that from you.

By acknowledging the issue you cut the anxiety the teacher has in providing negative feedback.  Remember they always filter feedback from the following point of view – how do I give this information without potentially losing my job?  Think of them as the fear based character in any movie who eventually sees the light when they break out of their own fear of getting overly involved.  By laying out how you handle the situation at home as a guide you also get rid of their judgement of you as a parent.

Summary the teacher will not change their point of view of your child without a proactive action from you to engage in a real talk.  

If your child perceived as positive student by the teacher then you know there’s nothing left for you to do as a parent in the school and the challenge is to grow your child outside of school.  

If your child is given a negative label by the teacher then you must change that view now.  If not the rest of the school year the teacher will not help your child.  They’ll simply allow it to become an issue a teacher has to deal with in the future.

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Those Damn Mayan Calendar Makers

2012 is here and if the doomsday people are right then you can stop reading this post.  Just enjoy the rest of time between now and the end of civilization.

If however the Mayan’s weren’t perfect at predicting future events and just simply ran out time themselves, or walked away from calendar making to enjoy other aspects of life, then life will go on in 2012 and this is planning time for parents.

The most unfair thing to parents is not only do they have to reflect on the last year, but you have to plan for the next school year.

Here’s a simple truth I’ve come to find over the years.  Whatever challenge your child is facing in school the evidence is available to you at this time of year?

My theory about this is simple.  Half of the school year is over.  The teachers have given you their perspective.  You as a parent know if your child is doing their best, or slacking off.  Children themselves have found their plans to avoid work have failed.  This means you have enough information to make some major decisions, feel good about them, and simply move on with your plan.

Here are three simple questions to ponder before making any changes to your routine, or the current education rhythm of your child.

1.  Are you more worried about where your child is on a maturity level, or grade level?  To me too much attention is given to grades and too little attention to emotional development.  A child may be behind in grades simply because of their age in relation with other children.  I believe it is always important to focus more on the maturity level than grades.  Do you feel it is time for your child to take on more responsibility?  Accountability?  Healthy pressures?  If yes, then focus more on those changes than grade changes.

2.  Is your child in need of help?  If yes, do they know this?  Or, are they living in a parallel universe?  There’s a theory that some people believe strongly in that suggests when we see a problem we should immediately jump in with a solution.  The problem with that theory is it doesn’t work.  As most psychologist will tell you when someone jumps into solve our problems, even if they’re right, and their intentions are good, we will ultimately resent them.  I believe this happens because when someone jumps in to solve our issue, they rob us of the opportunity to find that solution on our own.  If your child is in trouble with school and agree they need help then get them help.  If they need help, but are in denial then allow them the space to hit their own bottom.  When they’re ready for help they’ll let you know.

3.  Are you happy with the school?  So much of education is about the current environment.  Schools are fluid.  They change.  Great schools become crappy ones.  Crappy ones emerge out of darkness to triumph.  The real question is are you happy?  Are you satisfied?  If not then now is the time to start looking at potential changes for the next school year.  Don’t wait until summer when the last thing you’ll want to be thinking about is changing schools for your child.

Answers to these three questions will help any parent to reduce stress over what they really need to pay attention to during 2012.  I’m pretty sure we’re going to see a 2013 as well.

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